Grace Carey
Sometimes I zoom out of my life to see it from farther away.
And I usually get a bad taste in my mouth at the sight.
Because all I can see are the same bland wall’s I wanted to get away from.
I tried to find a window, a door, anything to escape.
But all I found was just more wall.
As I grew older and kept hope in my searches for a way out,
all I found were new shades of bland wall.
Beige faded into rust, and then freckled into a pale lime green.
But then one day, the pale lime green kept gradually getting lighter as I traveled, and as I walked it’s enlightening path, I couldn't help but fantasize about the sweet bliss of freedom.
I imagined tears of joy raining from my eyes in amazement, my smile so wide, so full of love, the kind of smile that makes others smile when they see it.
How I would stand looking at the world beneath my feet, free to go wherever, do whatever, meet whomever, excited by the endless opportunities now given to me after years of walking through these soulless walls.
But just as my heart skips a beat at the thought that this is the lightest the wall will get and how the end is in my next step, the wall shifts slightly grey and I pause.
So I try to push it off and keep on going, not giving up the hope that’s now so tethered to my heart and I sped up.
I walked faster and faster and now I’m practically skipping as the walls shade darker, my breathing starts to layer, maybe it’s just my eyes?!, I start to jog as my hands in their frantic motions start to clam up, this is definitely not in my mind, oh no, no no no no please!
My face contorts into an expression of anguish as I feel my heart swell with it’s last efforts of optimism, I sprint past more and more grey wall getting darker with each minute.
Finally, the walls are charcoal grey, and I let myself take a break.
I put my shaking hands on my knees, close my eyes and breath.
How could this happen? Did I not wish for it enough? Did I not run fast enough? Was I not supposed to run at all? Don’t these walls know how much I suffer every day in them?
My chest’s ache amplifies, and I feel my eye’s prick with tears.
My breathing becomes uneven and suddenly it feels as if my lungs are filled to the brim with smoke, and as I look up from my knees I see smoke everywhere, clouding my vision, stealing my oxygen, coating my flesh in it’s warm ember.
I close my eyes again and breathe in thick breaths of smoke, choking down the ashy taste in my mouth, and scratches at my throat on it’s way to my lungs.
With each breath, the smoke lightens a bit, and as I keep taking deep breaths I begin to feel a calmness take possession of my body.
My mind tells my body kind things to further the calm feeling, every breath tasting fresher, delicious and crisp, until finally I’m breathing clean air again.
I want to relish in this feeling forever.
So I imagine myself where I’ve always wanted to be.
And as I open my eyes I’m in a field.
I can feel the healthy grasses beautiful texture underneath my bare feet, and the breeze all around me with the view of a wonderful sky as I sway my body gently against the wind.
I feel the sun warmly mask my face's skin in it’s golden filter, so saturated in it’s serenity.
I spread my arms out and lean my head back while a smile grows on my face, unable to fully show the happiness filling my spirit.
I want to stay in this nirvana forever.
And then I realize,
How I never wanted the world at my feet,
I just wanted peace.
And as those tears of joy begin to rain from my eyes,
I for the first time, but most definitely not the last,
feel whole.